Part of the Hutchinson Jonas Group

Part of the Hutchinson Jonas Group

Part of the Hutchinson Jonas Group

Scott’s Cricket Tea

I had a very interesting conversation recently with the Technical Director of a very famous company who make Nutritious Diet Milkshake things. We’ll call him John. I asked him “Why are more people fat nowadays, John?” He gave me a glance that suggested that he had been asked this question more than once. That day. He took off his glasses, looked at me like a simpleton and said in a very slow way:

In caveman days, in order to eat, the caveman would have to wander around looking for a deer to kill. After finding the deer, he would then have to chase it and club it to death. All of this burned up the requisite calories and he would never get fat. In Britain today, very few people look to chase and club deer to death for consumption. Therefore most people consume more calories than they ever need and become fat as a result. It’s very simple. If you have fewer calories than you burn, you will lose weight.

Whilst all of us who love Bambi can breathe a collective sigh of relief, the image of the caveman running after his deer has stayed in my mind. The quarry was, by default, the first sports food.

More unlikely sports food comes in the way of the Cricket Tea. Nothing causes more controversy in our club than Cricket Tea. Huge importance is placed upon its content, quality and size.

In our club, the rumour mill starts just after the game ends on Sunday and the tea stuff (cups, mugs, plates, cutlery, none of which matches) are presented to the person who will produce the tea next time. Some tea-makers are seen as dependable and solid. Admittedly, they may cheat a little and get their wives to help out. No matter, to them it is a matter of pride to produce a delicious tea. Others are more flamboyant and may introduce exotic flavours and salads into the mix, in a misguided attempt to liven it up. Finally there are the utility tea merchants. For them, this is nothing more than an onerous task, it must be done at the last minute and with the least amount of love – all that matters is that it passes, like a Ford Transit taking its MOT. 

              

Whoever gets the task will receive suggestions from other players. These are always ignored. The Cricket Tea is personal to the maker, perhaps best illustrated by the fact that there are 5,670,000 articles on Google about the very subject. More than 4 million more than if you type “Ricky Ponting” into the engine.

For the record, my perfect cricket tea would include:

• Cake - preferably Victoria Sponge or, for the Teutonic maverick, Battenberg (recipe for Victoria Sponge below).
• Scones – pronounced SGONES – don’t get all la-di-da – strawberry jam and a bit of cream
• A selection of sandwiches (which MUST include egg mayonnaise)
• A savoury item of your choice – this is the chance to show everyone how continental you are as you introduce home made pizza or an onion bhaji into the mix.
• Some form of crisps. Disturbingly, Wotsits have found their way onto our cricket club tea. Wotsits are not a suitable crisp for a cricket club tea. Wotsits are in fact not a suitable crisp. At all.
• Tea – strong and traditional ie not Fruit, Earl Grey or any other atrocity.
• Squash – preferably containing large amounts of that chemical that they put in pear drops that makes you wheeze.

Etiquette. The visitors get to go first on the tea table. They should be the first to lay a finger on the virgin tea. This is not always the case – you must be ever vigilant for the ‘tea burglar’ amongst your teammates. The tea burglar will enter the clubhouse on a whim (to collect a box or to find a pad) and, using this as cover, they will commit their despicable act.

NB whilst the visitors are piling tea on their plates, it is usual to disturb the tea maker a little by saying things like “It looks a little light, today” or “How many loaves did you use?”. This will get most tea-makers worried that there will not be enough.

The recipe - Victoria sponge

Preparation time :

15 minutes

Cooking time :

20 minutes, plus cooling

Total time :

35 minutes, plus cooling

Serves: 8

Ingredients:

220g butter, softened, plus extra for greasing
220g caster sugar, plus extra for dredging
4 medium eggs, lightly beaten
220g self-raising flour
A little milk (optional)
4 tbsp strawberry jam

Method:

Preheat your oven to 180°C, gas mark 4 (the temperature at which most cakes are baked). Use a little butter to grease two 20cm-diameter sponge tins.

A victoria sponge is made by the creaming method; that is, the fat and sugar are creamed or beaten together until light and fluffy before other ingredients are added. It's important to beat the butter and sugar well, as this incorporates lots of air which makes the cake light. Begin with very soft butter, add the sugar and beat with an electric whisk for 2 minutes, until fluffy and pale. You can use a wooden spoon, but it takes some elbow grease.

Now add the eggs. Beat them lightly first to break them up. Add a quarter of the egg, plus a spoonful of flour and beat until completely incorporated. Adding the egg gradually along with a little flour should stop the mixture curdling, or forming tiny lumps, which can make the cake heavy. Add the remaining egg in the same way.

Add the remaining flour and fold in with a large metal spoon. Self-raising flour is used because it contains raising agents to give the sponge extra lift. Add a little milk if necessary to achieve dropping consistency - this means a scoop of the mixture will slowly fall off a spoon when held sideways, rather than running off easily, or sticking completely.

Divide the mixture between the two greased cake tins, smoothing the tops. Put in the oven - preferably on the same shelf - and bake for 20 minutes. The cakes should look well-risen and golden brown, and should have pulled away slightly from the sides of their tins. To make sure the cakes are done, push a metal or wooden skewer into the middle of one. It should come out clean, or with only a few dry crumbs attached. If there's sticky-looking cake mix on it, bake for 5 minutes more, then repeat the test.

After 10 minutes cooling in the tin, turn the cakes out on to a wire rack (if you turn them out when hot, they may break up). Put the smoothest-looking cake right side up (this will be the top of the finished cake) and the other upside down, so its domed top flattens slightly. Leave to cool completely.

For a classic victoria sponge, just spread jam over the base sponge, put the second one on top, and dredge with caster sugar.